Below is a transcription of the Dossiers and HR Documents recovered by Agent V following his break in of the KFP HR Department
Title

From V:

I nearly got caught, Eris,
But I managed to get find the dossier on KFP-UN003.

I’ve heard rumors about how they... “fire” people here.

These department listings... "Food Preparation" versus "Preparation OF Food"? That’s a weird distinction, why would they feel the need to do that?

Here’s what I found. I’ve attached the additional Class C and Class H records I found too.
Title

ITEM: KFP-UN003 "TEAM MEMBER PIN"

Description: Enamel pin featuring KFP logo. Origins unknown. Attempts to track manufacturing source lead to non-existent addresses. Writing one’s name is strictly forbidden by management citing "emotional distance protocols.” See Standard Protocol 887.3.

Notable Observations:

  • Pins appear to generate own unique identification numbers
  • Management actively avoids learning bearer names, insisting "it's better this way"
  • H-class and C-class pin differentiation protocols implemented after several concerning species verification errors
  • Pins seem to warm to specific Team Members who have with "previous experience" to certain scenarios

 

Incident Log KFP-UN003-762:
Date: ██/██/24

Notes: Team Member C-8724 discovered a collection of decommissioned pins in storage when attempting to locate their own. All pins warm to touch upon inspection. None were Team Member C-8724's, who visited the usual room for an undisclosed length for losing their pin. Subsequent investigation revealed Team Member C-8724 had been Class H at shift start.

Incident Log KFP-UN003-889:
Date: ██/██/24

Notes: Research Team observed pins displaying subtle color shifts under the heat of a blowtorch. Suspected to be a form of anomalous communication between pins. Communication ceased under direct observation and removal of blowtorch.

Incident Log KFP-UN003-727:
Date: ██/██/24

Notes: Payroll reported simultaneous timecard submissions from Research Division and Special Projects Development sharing identical log in and log out times, despite multiple corrections and warnings issued from HR. Investigation impossible as all relevant pins found to have been "retired"(See: Y5V153). Management frustrated from not being able to send anyone to the usual room over this.

Additional Notes:

  • Research Division requests management stop referring to pin storage as "the HeavInside Lair bucket".
  • Research Division would like to inquire who keeps classifying Team Members as "jellicle" and what criteria, if any, is being used for this designation.
  • Archived test data suggests current pin behaviors consistent with original project parameters set by  ██-727

HR reminder: "Fired" employees must be properly differentiated from "fired" employees in exit paperwork

 
Title

[INTERNAL DOCUMENT - HR RECORDS - CONFIDENTIAL]
TEAM MEMBER STATUS REPORT - CLASS C Updated: November 2024


Team Member C-3827

  • Status: Active
  • Current Position: Communications Specialist
  • Notes: Excellent projection skills
  • Performance Review: Natural radio presence
  • Classification History: Direct hire
  • Department: Audio/Visual Services

Team Member C-4435

  • Status: Active
  • Current Position: Service Team
  • Notes: Unauthorized media engagement
  • Performance Review: Excellent audience rapport
  • Previous Classification: H-1123 (Status Change: 03/24)
  • Department: Customer Relations

Team Member C-4521

  • Status: “Extra Crispy”
  • Current Position: Kitchen Lead
  • Notes: Accelerated adaptation to heat conditions
  • Performance Review: Above standard enthusiasm to heat
  • Classification History: Direct hire
  • Department: Food Preparation

Team Member C-5532

  • Status: Active
  • Current Position: Floor Lead
  • Notes: Exceptional physical coordination
  • Performance Review: Natural rhythm in workflow
  • Previous Classification: H-2891 (Status Change: 07/24)
  • Department: Service Team

Team Member C-5563

  • Status: Leave of Absence
  • Current Position: Prep Cook
  • Notes: No payroll allowed
  • Performance Review: Excessive inefficiency noted
  • Previous Classification: H-4432 (Status Change: 09/24)
  • Department: Food Preparation

Team Member C-6223

  • Status: Active
  • Current Position: Documentation Specialist
  • Notes: Advanced filing capabilities
  • Performance Review: Future-oriented organization skills
  • Previous Classification: H-2249 (Status Change: 06/24)
  • Department: Records Management

Team Member C-6445

  • Status: Active
  • Current Position: Quality Control
  • Notes: Heightened sensory acuity
  • Performance Review: Exceptional taste evaluation
  • Classification History: Nepotism hire
  • Department: The Eternal Flame Kitchen

Team Member C-7123

  • Status: Active
  • Current Position: Research Assistant
  • Notes: Unusual testing aptitude
  • Performance Review: Excellent test subject. Still surviving
  • Previous Classification: H-5677 (Status Change: 08/24)
  • Department: R&D

Team Member C-7832

  • Status: Active
  • Current Position: Equipment Specialist
  • Notes: Uniform storage expertise
  • Performance Review: Efficient item retrieval
  • Previous Classification: H-3321 (Status Change: 10/24)
  • Department: Facilities Management

Team Member C-8724

  • Status: Recently Reclassified
  • Current Position: Research Assistant
  • Notes: Slow adaptation to new protocols
  • Performance Review: In progress
  • Previous Classification: H-3382 (Status Change: 11/24)
  • Department: R&D

Team Member C-727

  • Status: Still technically employed? Time cards continue to be filed
  • Current Position: Advanced R&D Division
  • Notes: All initial prototypes tested on self before team implementation
  • Performance Review: Concerning tendency to use self as primary test subject. Productivity increases noted during height fluctuations. Maintains detailed personal logs of 'professional
  • development opportunities.'
  • Classification History: Underwent initial classification procedures
  • Department: Special Projects Development

Team Member C-8901

  • Status: Active
  • Current Position: Kitchen Staff
  • Notes: Temperature resistance noted
  • Performance Review: Natural affinity for flame
  • Classification History: No record of this hire, but no payroll either...?
  • Department: Preparation of Food

Team Member C-9234

  • Status: Active
  • Current Position: Quality Control Lead
  • Notes: Advanced pattern recognition
  • Performance Review: Instinctive testing procedures
  • Previous Classification: H-6589 (Status Change: 05/24)
  • Department: Quality Assurance

Team Member C-9873

  • Status: Active
  • Current Position: Training Specialist
  • Notes: Unauthorized artifact interaction
  • Performance Review: Survived probationary period
  • Classification History: Direct hire
  • Department: Staff Development

Team Member C-9912

  • Status: Under Review
  • Current Position: Inventory Control
  • Notes: Quantum counting capabilities
  • Performance Review: "Yes"
  • Previous Classification: H-7756 (Status Change: 10/24)
  • Department: Asset Management

Team Member C-9999

  • Status: Active
  • Current Position: Senior Research Lead
  • Notes: Multiple spontaneous relocations
  • Performance Review: Exceeds temporal expectations
  • Classification History: Classification origins unclear
  • Department: Advanced Research
  • Additional Notes: Field of vision changes and height changes seem to be the greatest challenge to efficiency, as well as the lack of opposable thumbs.

[INTERNAL DOCUMENT - HR RECORDS - CONFIDENTIAL]
TEAM MEMBER STATUS REPORT - CLASS H Updated: November 2024


Team Member H-1123

  • Status: Active (Watch List)
  • Current Position: Customer Service
  • Notes: Growing appreciation for idol music
  • Performance Review: Increasingly enthusiastic about corn
  • Classification History: Original documentation missing
  • Department: Front of House

Team Member H-2249

  • Status: Under Observation
  • Current Position: Prep Cook
  • Notes: Complaining of back pain
  • Performance Review: Standing height decreasing weekly
  • Classification History: Direct Hire
  • Department: Preparation of Food

Team Member H-3382

  • Status: Active
  • Current Position: Facilities Management
  • Notes: Requesting lower shelving
  • Performance Review: Maintains human protocols
  • Classification History: May have been C-class in Q2
  • Department: Maintenance

Team Member H-5532

  • Status: (under review, potentially still C class)
  • Current Position: Kitchen Staff
  • Notes: Health Department still concerned with live fowl handling food
  • Performance Review: Still maintaining food safety standards, now without feathers
  • Classification History: Recommended for preemptive transfer
  • Department: Food Safety

Team Member H-772

  • Status: Active (Investigation Pending)
  • Current Position: Research Division
  • Notes: Displays concerning enthusiasm for documentation
  • Performance Review: Makes everything unnecessarily dramatic
  • Classification History: Records show simultaneous C-class employment dates
  • Department: Special Projects

Team Member H-6677

  • Status: Active (Final Warning)
  • Current Position: Quality Control
  • Notes: Refuses to acknowledge height reduction
  • Performance Review: Excellent until recent molting incident report filed
  • Classification History: Previous records "misplaced"
  • Department: Quality Assurance

Team Member H-7123

  • Status: Transfer Pending
  • Current Position: Bookkeeper
  • Notes: Uncertain which way to proceed in transfer
  • Performance Review: Increasingly resistant to traditional seating
  • Classification History: Employment gaps coincide with C-class openings
  • Department: Accounting

Team Member H-7756

  • Status: Active
  • Current Position: Service Team
  • Notes: Still able to reach top shelf
  • Performance Review: Maintaining bipedal movement
  • Classification History: Suspiciously perfect attendance
  • Department: Front of House

Team Member H-8901

  • Status: Watch List
  • Current Position: Inventory Control
  • Notes: Insists on counting in clutches
  • Performance Review: Mathematical abilities shifting to base-12
  • Classification History: Previous position unclear
  • Department: Asset Management

Team Member H-9234

  • Status: Pre-Transfer Review
  • Current Position: Kitchen Staff
  • Notes: Health Department flagged for monitoring
  • Performance Review: Requesting transfer before "inevitable"
  • Classification History: Third classification review this month
  • Department: Food Preparation

Team Member H-9556

  • Status: Active
  • Current Position: Customer Relations
  • Notes: Developed aversion to mammals
  • Performance Review: Growing affinity for bird-related small talk
  • Classification History: Claims to remember working here in 1962
  • Department: Front of House

HR REMINDER: All height reduction incidents must be reported within 24 hours.

 

Preemptive uniform adjustments available upon request. Transfer requests should be submitted before physical manifestation of class change indicators.