ITEM: KFP-KT002 “SHIELD CUTTING BOARD”
Standard issue to all KFP Team Member Class H, replacing previously standard plastic boards following Incident Log KFP-KT002-24601.
Description: Premium maple and walnut hardwood cutting board shaped in distinctive shield pattern, with an integrated handle that Research Division insists was designed for "culinary purposes only" despite numerous documented defensive applications. Marketing department continues to promote its versatility as a charcuterie board, wall decoration, and "completely coincidental" protection against a limited number of metaphysical threats, much to the Compliance Department’s chagrin.
Notable Observations:
- Premium hardwood surfaces demonstrate exceptional durability against both knife work and inexplicably magical incidents, which Research Division attributes to "proper material selection" but Quality Control suspects otherwise, and requests additional scrutiny into Research Division.
- Shield shape appears to deflect arcane projectiles while maintaining perfect presentation aesthetics
Reports of boards demonstrating resonant humming frequencies strikingly similar to Tenchou’s music when shield walls are constructed. - Boards display unexplained tendency to arrange themselves into aesthetically pleasing wall displays during metaphysical incidents. This is not necessarily useful for their protective qualities, Quality Control would like to note.
- Charcuterie served on boards, and food cut on the cutting board receives consistently higher taste ratings in unblinded taste tests. Research Department assures management that fear and threats of the usual room recorded during tests are unrelated.
- Handle temperature increases slightly (0.001C) when danger approaches, though Research Division claims this is "just good ergonomic design,” while Quality Control insists Research Division can’t measure something that small, and is making things up to keep their jobs after their latest debacle.
Incident Log KFP-UN002-789:
Date: ██/██/24
Notes: Team Member C-6223 discovered receipts containing week-old order tickets. Carbon dating suggests tickets from future shift schedule. Research Division Team Member reprimanded with the usual for not understanding how carbon dating works. Results inconclusive. Carbon dating machine manufacturer refused return and refund of carbon dating machine.
Incident Log KFP-UN002-423:
Date: ██/██/24
Notes: During initial test deployment of KFP-UN002, Team Member C-8832 achieved previously unachievable serving levels. Subsequent investigation revealed KFP-UN002’s ticc ties had automatically adjusted to a configuration optimal for service. Team Member insists they were "taking the crown" during peak serving impact, but could not adequately explain how they arrived at that conclusion or the methodology behind it. Training department requests footage of the incident, but were denied upon suspicions of ulterior motives.
Incident Log KFP-UN002-556:
Date: ██/██/24
Notes: Team Member C-4245 reached into pocket for permanent marker, retrieved fully assembled and stocked office supply cabinet that delayed and impeded lunch service. Team Member C-4245 severely reprimanded for causing impedances during service, and sent to the Usual Room. Subsequent attempts to replicate phenomenon produced only normal pens(never permanent markers) and three expired coupons for the defunct Phoenix Burgers. Office supply cabinet was never found after that service, and remains missing. See related: Incident Report KFP-UN002-837 regarding displacement of items.
Additional Notes: Aprons appear to develop additional properties based on length of service. Senior Team Members report increased pocket capacity and enhanced confidence. Research Division unable to determine if confidence boost is anomalous or simply the result of having somewhere to hide hands during awkward conversations.
