KFP Internal HR Documents

A full transcript of this report has been made available here.

[INTERNAL DOCUMENT - HR RECORDS - CONFIDENTIAL]
TEAM MEMBER STATUS REPORT - CLASS C Updated: November 2024

Team Member C-3827

  • Status: Active
  • Current Position: Communications Specialist
  • Notes: Excellent projection skills
  • Performance Review: Natural radio presence
  • Classification History: Direct hire
  • Department: Audio/Visual Services

Team Member C-4435

  • Status: Active
  • Current Position: Service Team
  • Notes: Unauthorized media engagement
  • Performance Review: Excellent audience rapport
  • Previous Classification: H-1123 (Status Change: 03/24)
  • Department: Customer Relations

Team Member C-4521

  • Status: “Extra Crispy”
  • Current Position: Kitchen Lead
  • Notes: Accelerated adaptation to heat conditions
  • Performance Review: Above standard enthusiasm to heat
  • Classification History: Direct hire
  • Department: Food Preparation

Team Member C-5532

  • Status: Active
  • Current Position: Floor Lead
  • Notes: Exceptional physical coordination
  • Performance Review: Natural rhythm in workflow
  • Previous Classification: H-2891 (Status Change: 07/24)
  • Department: Service Team

Team Member C-5563

  • Status: Leave of Absence
  • Current Position: Prep Cook
  • Notes: No payroll allowed
  • Performance Review: Excessive inefficiency noted
  • Previous Classification: H-4432 (Status Change: 09/24)
  • Department: Food Preparation

Team Member C-6223

  • Status: Active
  • Current Position: Documentation Specialist
  • Notes: Advanced filing capabilities
  • Performance Review: Future-oriented organization skills
  • Previous Classification: H-2249 (Status Change: 06/24)
  • Department: Records Management

Team Member C-6445

  • Status: Active
  • Current Position: Quality Control
  • Notes: Heightened sensory acuity
  • Performance Review: Exceptional taste evaluation
  • Classification History: Nepotism hire
  • Department: The Eternal Flame Kitchen

Team Member C-7123

  • Status: Active
  • Current Position: Research Assistant
  • Notes: Unusual testing aptitude
  • Performance Review: Excellent test subject. Still surviving
  • Previous Classification: H-5677 (Status Change: 08/24)
  • Department: R&D

Team Member C-7832

  • Status: Active
  • Current Position: Equipment Specialist
  • Notes: Uniform storage expertise
  • Performance Review: Efficient item retrieval
  • Previous Classification: H-3321 (Status Change: 10/24)
  • Department: Facilities Management

Team Member C-8724

  • Status: Recently Reclassified
  • Current Position: Research Assistant
  • Notes: Slow adaptation to new protocols
  • Performance Review: In progress
  • Previous Classification: H-3382 (Status Change: 11/24)
  • Department: R&D

Team Member C-727

  • Status: Still technically employed? Time cards continue to be filed
  • Current Position: Advanced R&D Division
  • Notes: All initial prototypes tested on self before team implementation
  • Performance Review: Concerning tendency to use self as primary test subject. Productivity increases noted during height fluctuations. Maintains detailed personal logs of 'professional
  • development opportunities.'
  • Classification History: Underwent initial classification procedures
  • Department: Special Projects Development

Team Member C-8901

  • Status: Active
  • Current Position: Kitchen Staff
  • Notes: Temperature resistance noted
  • Performance Review: Natural affinity for flame
  • Classification History: No record of this hire, but no payroll either...?
  • Department: Preparation of Food

Team Member C-9234

  • Status: Active
  • Current Position: Quality Control Lead
  • Notes: Advanced pattern recognition
  • Performance Review: Instinctive testing procedures
  • Previous Classification: H-6589 (Status Change: 05/24)
  • Department: Quality Assurance

Team Member C-9873

  • Status: Active
  • Current Position: Training Specialist
  • Notes: Unauthorized artifact interaction
  • Performance Review: Survived probationary period
  • Classification History: Direct hire
  • Department: Staff Development

Team Member C-9912

  • Status: Under Review
  • Current Position: Inventory Control
  • Notes: Quantum counting capabilities
  • Performance Review: "Yes"
  • Previous Classification: H-7756 (Status Change: 10/24)
  • Department: Asset Management

Team Member C-9999

  • Status: Active
  • Current Position: Senior Research Lead
  • Notes: Multiple spontaneous relocations
  • Performance Review: Exceeds temporal expectations
  • Classification History: Classification origins unclear
  • Department: Advanced Research
  • Additional Notes: Field of vision changes and height changes seem to be the greatest challenge to efficiency, as well as the lack of opposable thumbs.

[INTERNAL DOCUMENT - HR RECORDS - CONFIDENTIAL]
TEAM MEMBER STATUS REPORT - CLASS H Updated: November 2024


Team Member H-1123

  • Status: Active (Watch List)
  • Current Position: Customer Service
  • Notes: Growing appreciation for idol music
  • Performance Review: Increasingly enthusiastic about corn
  • Classification History: Original documentation missing
  • Department: Front of House

Team Member H-2249

  • Status: Under Observation
  • Current Position: Prep Cook
  • Notes: Complaining of back pain
  • Performance Review: Standing height decreasing weekly
  • Classification History: Direct Hire
  • Department: Preparation of Food

Team Member H-3382

  • Status: Active
  • Current Position: Facilities Management
  • Notes: Requesting lower shelving
  • Performance Review: Maintains human protocols
  • Classification History: May have been C-class in Q2
  • Department: Maintenance

Team Member H-5532

  • Status: (under review, potentially still C class)
  • Current Position: Kitchen Staff
  • Notes: Health Department still concerned with live fowl handling food
  • Performance Review: Still maintaining food safety standards, now without feathers
  • Classification History: Recommended for preemptive transfer
  • Department: Food Safety

Team Member H-772

  • Status: Active (Investigation Pending)
  • Current Position: Research Division
  • Notes: Displays concerning enthusiasm for documentation
  • Performance Review: Makes everything unnecessarily dramatic
  • Classification History: Records show simultaneous C-class employment dates
  • Department: Special Projects

Team Member H-6677

  • Status: Active (Final Warning)
  • Current Position: Quality Control
  • Notes: Refuses to acknowledge height reduction
  • Performance Review: Excellent until recent molting incident report filed
  • Classification History: Previous records "misplaced"
  • Department: Quality Assurance

Team Member H-7123

  • Status: Transfer Pending
  • Current Position: Bookkeeper
  • Notes: Uncertain which way to proceed in transfer
  • Performance Review: Increasingly resistant to traditional seating
  • Classification History: Employment gaps coincide with C-class openings
  • Department: Accounting

Team Member H-7756

  • Status: Active
  • Current Position: Service Team
  • Notes: Still able to reach top shelf
  • Performance Review: Maintaining bipedal movement
  • Classification History: Suspiciously perfect attendance
  • Department: Front of House

Team Member H-8901

  • Status: Watch List
  • Current Position: Inventory Control
  • Notes: Insists on counting in clutches
  • Performance Review: Mathematical abilities shifting to base-12
  • Classification History: Previous position unclear
  • Department: Asset Management

Team Member H-9234

  • Status: Pre-Transfer Review
  • Current Position: Kitchen Staff
  • Notes: Health Department flagged for monitoring
  • Performance Review: Requesting transfer before "inevitable"
  • Classification History: Third classification review this month
  • Department: Food Preparation

Team Member H-9556

  • Status: Active
  • Current Position: Customer Relations
  • Notes: Developed aversion to mammals
  • Performance Review: Growing affinity for bird-related small talk
  • Classification History: Claims to remember working here in 1962
  • Department: Front of House

HR REMINDER: All height reduction incidents must be reported within 24 hours.

Preemptive uniform adjustments available upon request. Transfer requests should be submitted before physical manifestation of class change indicators.